Şehrin ışıkları tek tek yanmaya başladı. Gittikçe zayıflayan gözlerimi alıyorlar. Ne güzeldi bir dakika öncesi, ne zaman akşam oldu anlamadım. Ne bugünü yaşamak istiyorum ne de günler geçsin. Çayımı yudumlarken geçip giden bulutları seyredip kenarda beni bekleyen tüm sorumluluklarımdan kaçıyorum. Kalbimle savaş verip zihnimi zorluyorum. Savaşmayı bitirmekten, her şey bittiğinde karşılaşacaklarımdan korkuyorum. O kadar korkağım ki hiç bir şey yaşamadan her gün biraz daha yaşlanıyorum hiç büyümeden.

NOW, I hate myself...

I've been struggling for one for two month and now it's deadline and I hate myself for not finishing it and instead of doing what I supposed to do I kept on doing other irrelevant things. I don't know whether I got lazy or I'm not doing it because I didn't like it - I can't say that I hate it but what I hate is my not doing what I need to do. It is just a stupid dilemma...

bu günden kendime kalan

Radyoda diyor ki şimdi işten güçten arta kalan bu zaman bizim kendimize ait olan ve  o yüzden kendimize ayırmamız gereken zamanmış. Kulağa hoş geliyor ama içten içe rahatsız etti beni. Ne yani şimdi be tüm ömrüm boyunca kendime ayırabileceğim bir günden sadece bir kaç saat mi? Eğer o da gün boyu çok yorulup da eve gelip uyuya kalmıyorsam kalacak olan. Dahası gün boyunca ben kim için yaşıyorum? Kendim için değil mi? Bilemiyorum, düşünmek çok yoruyor beni bu aralar olabildiğince az düşünmeye çalışıyorum. Temiz iş...

I am getting bored !

Nowadays, I'm getting bored and it is so unusual for me. I always find something to do. I don't let myself to be pointless, ı make myself engaged with something. A short time ago (about a month), I bought a coloring book for adults for fun. However, I was so busy with doing other things that I could hardly finish coloring just one page in two weeks. well, yes I'm saying that I'm bored but it is not like i have nothing to do. I need to prepare exam questions for my 7th graders and have some paperwork (l already missed deadline for them:) but still I don't feel like doing them. Am I having depression, I hope not.
 I do not have time to sit and think properly so ı keep on forgetting daily things ı need to do. today ı forgot to take boardmarker with me and trust me it is weird to forgot for a t to forget it. ı just can't get my head together. I need some spare time to think properly. I don't have enough time even sleep till my head aches (it feels so bad, I actually don't want such an ache:) tomorrow ı have two hour free lesson, ı almost forgot it.
 Today I saw hatred towards me in one of my students' eyes. It hurts for real and I can still feel it. Will I get accustomed to it? I'm not like I want to be, I want to be better. somehow it is still good because I'm afraid that one day I will say I'm done that is it. I'm still like a child, I will grow up and be a proper adult (someone in my age is considered as 'adult' but you know that age is just an number).
I feel sleepy now I hope I can sleep properly and have a fresh mind tomorrow morning.
Ps:  I have B 12 injection on friday, my blood test results are not so brilliant.

A memory from the past

Just now, I found my little brother's fifth grader photo. I first laughed about how small he was, and then I felt moved after remembering what we experienced a short time ago. I'm afraid of losing as everyone. I don't want to lose them, what I have or what I believe to have. 

After many years

After many years I updated my fb foto and I replaced it with this: an annoyed and shy guy from a webtoon I read recently. Why I kept the old one so long, I don't know, I loved for some reasons and now, I guess no matter how much I love, I need to change. things change so I am. I am annoyyed for some reasons and I try to survive; how long it will take I dont know. I hope it will not last forever. I want to find that peace now but I dont think I can find it anywhere. maybe I need to start to search from myself.

LULLABYE (GOODBY, MY ANGLE)

I think this song is the best choice for this film because it completely represents sense of the film.This became one of my favorite songs. Every word of song is clear and comprehensible. Lyric of song suits with the video and this makes the video more attractive. The video starts with the scene which Seita and Setsuka play piano and sing a song and continues with the scene which Seita dies and meets with his little sister.

“I promised I would never leave you

And you should always know

Wherever you may go

No matter where you are

I never will be far away.”

In my opinion, this part of the song is the most meaningful one. It shows the sincerity of brother to his little sister. In film, it already happens like that. Seita, the brother, keeps his promise and never gives up her even when the death comes. He protects his most precious thing which he has. 

 

“Goodnight, my angel

Now it's time to dream

And dream how wonderful your life will be

Someday your child may cry

And if you sing this lullabye

Then in your heart

There will always be a part of me”

When I am listening to this part of the song, I can't help thinking if there was no war, how Seita and Setsuka would live? How would be the world we live in? Orphans would be cry and die because of the starvation? I wonder how it would be…

(Lullaby means “ninni” in Turkish.)